So I've been cheating.


On livejournal.

I started another blog a couple of weeks ago and have been consumed in getting that up and running. The situation is: I'm not sharing it with anyone. After my recent bouts of Anxiety/Panic Attacks, I've been advised to keep track of exactly how I'm feeling every minute of the day. I didn't want to do that through here in hopes of scaring everyone away. I'll readily admit that what I'm going through right now isn't normal, and often times I think crazy.

It's strange. I'm so content in life right now but emotionally I've been sky rocketed to the most pivotal mental crossroads. I've never believed in medicating for depression. I'm no Scientologist, but I think that we all are depressed in our own ways, and most of us manage to get through life day by day.

Today I feel like crawling in bed and never coming out. My calender is filling up like crazy right before my eyes and I'm suddenly overwhelmed. When did I get a life?

What I got this year...

From the Fam:

Nikon D40 camera (Bad-Fucking-Ass)
The Big-Ass Book of Crafts Book
Purse
$50.00 Movie Gift Certificate
Two (2) Adorable Forever 21 Dresses
Betsy Johnson Socks
Undies
Wonder Cloth
The Office 2009 Calander
Victorias Secret Gift Card
Starbucks Gift Card

From Work:

Third Eye Blind Decal (for the car)
Ralf Lauren Polo Perfume (Yum)
Tiffany's Black Onyx Earrings (Beautiful!)

From Antonia:

Nikon Camera Bag (Perfect, and thoughtful!)

From Greg a.k.a Love of my Life:

Tiffany's Silver Ring Necklace (Gorgeous)
Tickets to Avenue Q in Feburary
How I Met Your Mother Season 3

All in all, I had a pretty bad ass Christmas. I loved all of my gifts and I hope that everyone loved all of the gifts that I got them! Can't wait for New Years!

By request, I've decided to write an entry about sex. Maybe that's some sort of cautionary beginning. But I figure we're all adults here.

( Carrie Bradshaw can kiss my ass.  )

New Short Story


( Joanna )

wrestling with
a thought;
a verse
of poetic
poignancy

tangled in
the idea:
that i could
take you home with me

you seep silently
between dreams
in sleep of day

to tell me
it's not over
just not this way

you wrestle
with nothing
sleep heavy nights

well i'm here
drowning codders
getting in fights

I aint no man
no woman you call
your own

but i do
I do
I want to take you home.

Yesterday I was thinking about writing an entry focused around the idea that "Love Hurts."  Bored enough to the point that I was contemplating an Everly Brothers song, I kept thinking to myself that this didn't hurt.  How could it ever hurt? Maybe it's not love.

It's love alright. Only five hours later was I faced with hurt. Gut wrenching, punch in the stomach, gasping for breath kind of hurt. Greg lies so easily. Luckily I've dealt with my share of liars and can see right through it. Issue is, once I found him out...he just kept lying. Granted, I'm no angel. I lie. But I lie well. And about having Wendy's for dinner.

I've been searching for the perfect decoration for my office and found this adorable print for my keyboard. I wish wish wish I could find sheets like this!

I'm in the market to buy an awesome Digital SLR.

I've been searching the internet for ages trying to decide which one would best fit my liking. I've realized that so many of my friends on here and so photo savvy, so I'll ask all of you what you use, or what you recommend.

Someday I'd like this to become much more than a hobby. I'd like to get into Wedding Photography, so I would need a great camera that does fabulous portraits and picks up on the greatest detail. An awesome black and white setting would be pretty helpful as well.

I've been looking at Nikon's, since I love my basic film Nikon right now. But I'm open to suggestions.


Edit: Price is also an issue. I really can't spent more than $800 (or at least my credit card limit won't allow it :)

"There are certain things in life where you know it's a mistake but you don't really know it's a mistake because the only way to know that it really is a mistake is to make that mistake and go, "Yup, that was a mistake". So really, the bigger mistake would be to not make the mistake because then you'll go about your whole life not knowing whether it was a mistake or not."




How does this purposely jumbled dialogue from a 30-minute program weigh on my thoughts so heavily that I'm forced to search the internet for 25 minutes to find the exact quote - reread it and confirm that it could quite possibly be the only thing that's made sense in a long time.

Lord knows I've made a ton of mistakes. Shit. I've made years of mistakes. But I wouldn't take any of that back, because I honestly think...had I not made those mistakes...I would still be with my high school "sweetheart", six months pregnant toting around my three other kids inside of our split level, 2 blocks down from my parents.

Not to say that this would have anything to do with who Paul was. But that's where we were headed. He wouldn't be where he is today. Writing front page articles for The Washington Post. Maybe he needed me to break his heart in order for him to get there. And I wonder if he now sees it differently than he did then.

Maybe I shouldn't call them mistakes. And by them I'm talking about boys. None of you are surprised, I know. But they're not mistakes. They're detours. That got me here. And I'm happy, and hope every day that I'm going to stay on this road. (Not to say that people still don't like to test me) But I'm trying.